My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
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Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
☠️☠️☠️
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Printer ink is expensive
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]