My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
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How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!