My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
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HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
The days of good grammer has went
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo