My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
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Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management