My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
You Might Also Like
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog