Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

(Gaming support cat.)

The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…

Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.

Me [on fire]: HOW

Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

What a rip off.

There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

[at a funeral home]

ME: One death please

We were scrolling through the movie selection on Max and my 8 year old said, “Hey can we watch the Wizard of Ounces?”

Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?

[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]

Me: I have no idea.

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?

How to properly lift a body