My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
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Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
estão todos miauvindo?
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?