Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.

If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

happy friday

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.

Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.

Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve