My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
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Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
The first Ron is always Ron. Any Rons who come after are automatically MoreRons. I don’t know why HR sees it otherwise.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?