Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.

Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK

After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.

I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

“I’m leaving you”

“why?”

“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”

“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”

*slams door*

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

[Date]

Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

(Show and Tell)

TEACHER: What do you have to show today?

ME: My pet.

TEACHER: Let’s see it then.

ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!

*the earth begins to shake*

Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”