Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube

All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.

Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.

*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*

*I go outside and swing on the swingset*

windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god

This tweet has been deleted

The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair

i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

Good morning

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.