My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
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My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin