My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
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I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
How to wake up a Beagle