My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
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My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
I just saw a payphone and bet my 6yo $5 that she couldn’t tell me what it was.
Safest bet I ever made.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins