My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
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“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
What
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I unironically love this joke.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.