My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
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ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.