My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
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Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
hello pervert is such a strong opener
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born