My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
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The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
every. time.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018