Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.

“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”

[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]

Me: are you breaking up with me?!

Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?

Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me

Demon: why are you this way

My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…

My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together

ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”

The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.

A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.

[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some

Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders

Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.