My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
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He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Alexa; make it look like an accident
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me