My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
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As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
let’s discuss
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.