My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
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[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
The Sun
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*