My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
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“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.