My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
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My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
i did the math