Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad

When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Dinner Party

Hostess: How much of this would you like?

Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.

Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.

What element do criminals hate to see?

Copper

When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail

Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.

I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…

Now I have kenny logins.

#dangerzone

“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.

Harsh but fair

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.

Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.

what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.