Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”

*inventor of the RV

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.

*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”