My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
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I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
is this a warning or an offer?
This was my dad’s browser history.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
He has no idea 🤡
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience