My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next
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I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.
10/10 no notes.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?