Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”

When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours

“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

this is what they would have looked like, though

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line