Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

Me: 3 miles today.

Him: On the treadmill?

Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.

“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.

i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

life: do your best

me: (doing my best)

life: no a different best

Friend: what are you doing for VD?

Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

Friend: Valentine’s Day…

Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.

so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

If a snake ate a cake

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.

I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt