Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

? 💀

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?

i need a six-month vacation twice a year

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

Y’all know who you are.

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!