Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

*at store*

Random guy: Do you have the time?

Me: 6:30.

Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —

Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”

Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”

Me (checks watch): “1985.”

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box

What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?

Russian roulette.

Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…

*pizza dough plops on head*

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

[on road trip]

Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.

[45 min later]

Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*

Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.

Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you

Me: omg I’m so tired today

Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

Farmer: These two chickens share a nest

No one:

Me: Would you call that cooperation?