Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.

“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.

“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”

Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

5yo: What happens when we die?

Me: People fight over your stuff

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

Friend: ugh algorithms are the worst, don’t you hate how it’s all news and politics and sadness on your feed all the time?

Me, who only sees baby animals and dessert recipes: yeah totally, so awful

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.