My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
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[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.