My kids have picture day this week, so the chances of them giving each other a black eye or cutting their own hair just increased tenfold.
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[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.