Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.

It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.

Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me

when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down

GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today

ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom

Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

[restaurant]

ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday

WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house

ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

I wonder if Mary and Joseph hated putting away the Christmas stuff as much as I do

Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.