Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.

I might have repeated it.

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.

alcoholic: you drive me to drink

designated driver: ok

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer

I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

*has no idea what a book even is*

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!

Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good

My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]

moth driving: omg

moth wife: Harold no we have a baby

moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD