My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
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I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
dude it’s called proctologist
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.