Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.

Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.

Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me

WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,

having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.