My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
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I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Lovingly looking at my dog knowing I’m ab to ruin her day with a bath
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.