Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[talking to son on the phone]

“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”

I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

Laser tag makes me realize how quickly I will die in the laser wars

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

Son: can I get lunch money

Dad: I have a boyfriend

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

Thinking about Jeff

[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza

wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!

me: omg u think im pretty?

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

ㅤ

Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?

MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.