Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”

*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan

Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?

Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”

Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”

Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”

Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”

It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”

Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art

In case you needed to hear it:

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle