My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
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Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.