Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

*dusts off treadmill*

Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

[inventing jogging]

how can I suffer but with music

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.