Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!

*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*

Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*

7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

I know karate and tons of other words.

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.

What’sApp

Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …

*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*

Mom: Fish, honey!

Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car

<—- homeless romantic

When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”

#mumlife

The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix

me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*