Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

Alexa: remind me to feed the baby

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.

For when Tinder doesn’t work

If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.

Me: Do you ever get a sharp stabbing pain in your head and groin?
Annoying coworker: No.

Me, angrily throwing away the voodoo doll

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease