My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
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Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
