My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
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Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.