My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
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People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Think I pulled my liver
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent