My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
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When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Now who done made this a sport lmao
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
my lower back watching me try to live my life
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
584.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes