My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
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Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide