My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
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just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.