My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
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“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
My funeral better have a fkn merch table