Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head

mugger: gimme all your cash

me: lmao my what

Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”

If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.

My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

[runs into old friend]

FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug

me: have you met every boss in the world

boss: no bu—

me: just seems like a lofty claim

boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}

me:

boss:

me: this one’s true tho

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

inside you are two wolves

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”

What was your favorite part of school today?

1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!

2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”