Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy

I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

Not recommended for beginners.

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

Me: it’s better to give than to receive.

Daughter: what about my enemies?

Me: d-do you have any enemies?

Daughter: not anymore.

Me: what does that mean?

Daughter:

Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?

ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was

Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-

ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be