Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.

I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

If you’re having a bad day , just remember …

All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

#KarenAndTheCat 😉

Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.

Me: how

Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night