my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
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*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines