Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to

Halloween candy is more expensive than the drugs they said people hid in them

The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

i feel so bad i refunded him

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.

[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee

Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.