my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
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Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
😭😭😭
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course