my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
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Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh