Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”

“The ball kind?”

“No, for under my arms.”

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings:

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”