Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.

Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible

7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*

I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.

He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed

When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.

[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.