My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
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The next time you’re hesitant to call or email your elected official because your issue doesn’t seem important enough…
Just remember how many times they texted you begging for $5
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
