Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*

Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.

Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?

Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

Best correction of the day, if not ever:

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.