Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….