Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.

Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.

Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?

You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me

I could win awards for having a bad memory.

In fact, I probably did. How would I know.

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

[high school]

Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs

Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“

…As if I plan on eating it.

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

take the quarantine challenge!

come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

Me waiting for the signs to change to “up to 75% off” at the Party City store that’s closing by our house.

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.

Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.