Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

And bowling should be called pinball

Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.

Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.