Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening

Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.

The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

[Bar]

Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.

Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.

Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.

Well well well if it isn’t the same bill I couldn’t afford to pay in a different color

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.

The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids

This is my brand.

Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?

Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.