Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Abby,

I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.

Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅

if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!

Jail

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.

yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese

It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want

First child: Eats yogurt.

Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao

executioner: just sit in the chair

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement

The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.