My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
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Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Need this in my life lol
When your man makes a valid point
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I’d use my best pan on you.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I think they could have phrased this better
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.