Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…

It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

Spam popsicles.

*follow for more recipes

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?