my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
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it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
She puts the hot in psychotic
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”
dude was born in 2018.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point