My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
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I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
this is the greatest thing ever
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
I just want an internship man
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
