My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
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Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )