Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

if I can survive this, I can survive anything

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

me: spell “Fanshaw”

British person:

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

I have two kinds of followers

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

Given the amount of sweat it generates, self-checkout should absolutely count as cardio. And high-intensity if a line is growing behind you.

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation

Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

hear me out : pockets for your socks

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

[post-apocalypse open mic]

Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??

Crowd: *rickets*

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

[2 monkeys in a bath]

Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!

Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in