Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.

Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!

I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july

DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time

[unwrapping gift] oh wow, an item. I love these