My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
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If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.