My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
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It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
*pronounces patio like ratio
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
They grow up so quick
